Implantable Chip Designed To Kill Dissidents, Hired-Help

Saudi files killer tracking chip patent

German Patent and Trademark Office (DPMA) spokeswoman Stephanie Krüger revealed Friday that the DPMA received an application from a Saudi Arabian citizen for a patent on his new invention.

The invention? Two versions of a subcutaneous chip to be implanted in humans: The first of which, according to the Jeddah-based inventor, is solely for “…the purposes of determining its geographical location.”

The inventor claims the device would use GPS tracking technology and would radio its location—and, therefore, the implantee’s—to a remote tracking center.

Now, I can think of really good uses for such a gadget, such as tracking politicians who are wont to take bribes in the form of free vacations at lavish resorts.

But then there’s the “B” model, which would—in the inventor’s words:

“…be suited for tracking fugitives from justice, terrorists, illegal immigrants, criminals, political opponents, defectors, domestic help, and Saudi Arabians who don’t return home from pilgrimages.

“In recent times the number of people sought by security forces has increased…I apply for these reasons and for reasons of state security and the security of citizens.”

In the “B” version, a controller need but press a button, sending a signal to the implant which then releases a lethal dose of cyanide into the bloodstream of the implantee.

Note that among the potential targets of this ghastly Orwellian device is listed “domestic help.” You return from a hard day’s work sentencing rape victims to torture and prison, to find that the maid hasn’t dusted your favorite beheading sword. Well, a simple touch of a button and her dinner plans are Kaput!

And if you don’t return to Saudi Arabia from your pilgrimage to, say, Las Vegas, a brief radio signal will fix your defecting tuchas.

Need I comment on the immoral, Hitlerian mindset of this—obviously well-educated and intelligent—Saudi? Likely not, but I will anyway.

Apparently, it doesn’t even occur to this lunatic that the Germans might not want to track and kill immigrants and butlers.

One wonders how typical this insane mentality may be among the rest of Saudi intelligentsia. Or the dimwits, for that matter. From all reports it seems to be the norm, rather than the exception.

But I digress…

DPMA spokeswoman Krüger added:

“Foreigners are allowed to apply for patents in Germany through a native representative, in this case it was a Munich law firm…Most people apply for a patent in several countries, and this inventor probably did too.

“While the application is still pending further paperwork on [the inventor’s] part, the invention will probably be found to violate paragraph two of the German Patent Law—which does not allow inventions that transgress public order or good morals.”

The law firm, DTS Munich, which represented the evil sonuvabitch inventor, "…resigned from representation of this case last week," a spokesman said without stating why.

Why? Well, gee, could it be… I dunno… that they finally read the patent application?

Note: If you would like to read about life in Saudi Arabia from the perspective of someone neither evil or insane and possessed of an excellent command of English, I suggest the Saudi Jeans Blog.

I Don't Need No Brain, I Got GPS

This is the BMW of a Mr. Robert Jones of Doncaster, South Yorkshire, UK. Mr. Jones, a deliveryman, depends on a GPS navigation system, (which the Brits call Sat-Nav), in his work. “I rely on my sat-nav,” Mr. Jones said. "I couldn't do without it for my job.”

Naturally, he had one in his BMW.

On 22 March 2009, Mr. Jones was trying to find his way around Todmorden, West Yorkshire, when his GPS told him, “turn here.” Mr. Jones complied, even though the road looked a bit narrow, run-down and—well, odd.

The “road” was, in fact, part of the Pennine Way—a footpath used only by serious hikers.

“It kept insisting the path was a road, even as it was getting narrower and steeper, so I just trusted it,” Mr.Jones said.

Heeding the instructions from his GPS with a positively religious fervor, Mr. Jones followed the narrow and twisting footpath higher and higher, finally arrived at the top of the steep hill and proceeded down the other side.

His journey ended when the BMW crashed into a fortuitously-placed wire fence—at the brink of a 100-foot precipice—preventing Mr. Jones from plunging to an almost certain Darwin Award.

A recovery team using a four-wheel drive ATV took nine hours to haul the BMW away from the cliff edge.

“What a maroon,” Bugs Bunny might say—but let's be kind: Mr. Jones is far from being the only driver who—when switching on a GPS, switch off what few, functioning neurons many of them seem to possess.

In the UK alone, there have been more than 300,000 mishaps involving people paying more attention to their GPS than their common sense.

An ambulance crew transferring a patient from King George Hospital in Ilford, UK, to Mascalls Park Hospital near Brentwood—a 12 mile journey which should have taken about 30 minutes—were were sent on an eight-hour, 200 mile journey to the outskirts of Manchester by—you guessed it—a faulty GPS system, (the patient survived the journey, but I’m sure he really had to pee.)

A Queensland, Australia, truck driver, led astray by his GPS, drove onto a road totally unsuitable for heavy vehicles and crashed—narrowly avoiding an 260-foot drop.

Drivers following a GPS-recommended route through the village of Luckington, UK, have found themselves splashing into the River Avon—despite warning signs on both sides of the road and a large expanse of water straight ahead. Local villagers found themselves pulling an average of two cars a day out of the river.

Near the town of Glubczyce, Poland, a man following GPS directions drove his minivan straight into a lake. It seems he took a road closed a year before when the area was flooded to create a reservoir. "He ignored three road signs warning of a dead end,” a police spokesman said. “His GPS told him to drive straight ahead—and he did."

Back in the UK, GPS devices are directing vehicle traffic to a ferry crossing intended for foot-traffic only.

A GPS unit led a convoy of tourists astray in Utah, finally stranding them on the edge of a sheer cliff.

With little food or water, the group of 10 children and 16 adults from California used their GPS to plot a backcountry route from Bryce Canyon National Park to the Grand Canyon—but the device couldn't tell how rough the roads were. One vehicle got stuck in soft sand and two others ran low on fuel; the GPS then offered suggestions leading them onto the wrong dirt roads, which ended at a series of cliffs. The group—so lost it couldn't figure out how to backtrack their route—was finally rescued by Sheriff's officers.

In the same area, a merry band of GPS-equipped Belgian tourists ended up licking condensation off their minivan's windshield after being stranded on Four Mile Bench without water. Riders on all-terrain vehicles stumbled across the group.

One night in Bedford Hills, NY, a man—assiduously following the directions from his GPS—obediently drove onto the tracks of the Metro-North Railroad, where his vehicle became hopelessly stuck. Said driver and his passengers were able to abandon the car before a train crashed into it, causing a two-hour delay and eliciting howls of indignation from some 10,000 angry commuters.

One has to wonder about the conversation which took place in that car:

Tom: "I think we're lost."
Dick: "Can't be. I got GPS. Brand spankin' new."
Harry: "What's it say?"
Dick: "Says to turn right."
Tom: "What, here?"
Dick: "Yep. 'Immediate Right.' S'what it says."
Harry: "But those are railroad tracks."
Dick: "Can't be."
Tom: "Why not?"
Dick: "'Cause the GPS says turn right. Wouldn't say that for railroad tracks now, would it? Gotta be a road."
Harry: "Sure looks like railroad tracks."
Tom: "There are rails."
Dick: "It's dark. Mus' be lane stripes."
Harry: "Awfully narrow lane."
Tom: "And a big sign that says, 'Railroad Crossing.'"
Dick (turning right): "S'gotta mean up ahead. Here we go."
Tom: "OW! Awfully bumpy for a road!"
Harry: "OOF! What happened? Why aren't we moving?"
Dick: "Stuck. Mus' be a pothole. I'll back up."
Tom: "We're still not moving."
Dick (working the shift): "Can't seem to back her up."
Harry: "What's that?"
Tom: "What's what?"
Harry: "That light."
Dick: "Headlight, that's all."
Harry: "Only one?"
Dick: "Ain'cha never seen a car with only one light?"
Tom: “... it's... wiggling."
Dick: "Prolly working itself loose like the first one. Hope he makes it home okay."
Harry: "That's a TRAIN!"
Dick: "Can't be. GPS says we're onna road."
Tom: "THAT'S A TRAIN! GET OUT!"
Dick: "Tell ya what. I'll humor you guys, but you're gonna feel real silly when that beat-up ol' car drives by."
(All three leave the vehicle.)
Dick: "OW!"
Harry: "What's wrong?"
Dick: "Aw, I tripped over the lane stripe. Say, what's that noise? Sounds like... a tornado."
(A train zooms by, smashing into the car and dragging it down the tracks.)
Dick: "NOOOO!!! My... my... new GPS was in that car!"

But wait. There’s more!

There are new GPS systems not intended for mere cars or hikers as you can see at this article: GPS walkers for the elderly.

I can see the headlines now:

Elderly Man Rescued From Ledge Of Chrysler Building
Queens Nursing Home Resident, Bound for Restroom, Located In Yonkers

Ah, the wonders of modern technology.